04:50

Does happiness finds one, or does one find happiness? Are humans truly able to decide on their fate based on their choices, or are they forced to accept it even if it did not felt right – because it is the easiest, safest and most convenient way for everyone? You save on the emotional roller coaster ride and there is no need to explain to anyone on why you want to decide on your own life choices. At which point do people really decide that they want to live their life the way they want to? To live it only for themselves, and not anyone else? How do people build up the courage to step out of their comfort zone, drop everything on hand, and go pursue what they felt was truly right for them?

202 1.

It’s one of those nights where you can’t seem to fall asleep and the past seems to haunt you more than it does over the last few month. This time, it made me want to note it down somewhere – that I may one day look back at and get reminded that ‘hey, this happened.’

There were actually a few nights that I logged into this page and wrote a chunk of stuff here, but I ended up hitting the delete button and went to bed instead ‘cos I didn’t know how to start the topic going so I just gave up typing. 

Well I guess I don’t have that much to say and I just wanted this to be a reminder to myself that time does not always heal everything. There are certain events and memories that will always pop out in your head at the most random times or when you thought you had long forgotten and moved on. I’ve came to the conclusion that it will always resurface and remind me about it – no matter how much ‘closure’ I’ve done to make sure that the whole event is over and it shouldn’t affect me anymore. 

I really wished that there was such thing as time travel during times like these. I wished I had more courage 7 years ago and I wished I embraced time 5 years ago.

I could only wish.

2018

Jeng jeng jeng! The long awaited update is finally here. I'm just going to try and summarize my year up as much as I can so here we go...

2018 has been a year that I call it 'The Departure, The Break, and The Change.'

'The Departure' 

I finally left my job of 4 years and 8 months. It has been my longest and only full-time job so far, so leaving it meant a huge deal to me because I am essentially leaving my comfort zone. I first started out scooping gelato as a part-time job and I never expected myself to stay for such a long time, and not to mention converting to full-time. I was contented with my job – contented with doing shift work and working on public holidays, contented with customer service although I dislike interacting with customers. I get tons of 'Why are you still scooping ice-cream when you got a degree?' question from people after I graduated and got my degree.

There were a few major reasons why I didn't leave my job to pursue something even bigger: 1- Colleagues. I have a strong bond with most of my colleagues that it actually saddens me a lot to leave them. It could be that I am afraid that I won't get to meet some nice bunch of people in my next job, or I just have zero idea how to deal with leaving a job and the people. After all, I never held any other full-time job. 2- Boss. My boss is the nicest, warmest, compassionate, kind, hardworking lady that I have ever met. I have done some part-time jobs prior to joining this gelato job and I have never had any superior that is better. All the people around me always tells me that they wished they had a boss like mine because she's one in a million kind of a superior and they were always envious of me. 3- A form of repayment. Many people do not know that part of my degree's course fees was paid by my boss... Although it may not be a huge sum, it still meant a lot to me because I was not under any bond or contract, and my boss is not liable for my course fees at all. She chose to sponsor a partial sum of my course fees just because she appreciated my good work. No hidden agenda. Now you guys know why I said she's really one in a million. 4- Comfort zone. The last reason why I stayed was also because I was comfortable with what I was doing. I was at the top management level of the company, I was in-charge and running a store by myself, I had a small team of people under my supervision, I had tons of benefits, I call all the shots in the store I was in-charge of. What's there not to be satisfied with? If I switch career, that would meant that I'll be starting from the bottom and I don't know what that feels like anymore. I would be losing the control that I had.

It was only after I got transferred over to be in-charge of a brand new outlet that I started to not like my job that much anymore. The customers at the outlet that I got transferred over to had high demands, inpatient as hell and outrageously rude, yet they expect good customer service! I am not a believer of 'The customer is always right'. Although I was lucky to not receive any complains, I am pretty sure I pissed a fair number of customers off at the new outlet. A year went by and that's when I decided that I had enough, my time with the company is up. A change in outlet for me was not much of an option and career advancement was pretty slow since it is a small company. Thus, the decision to finally tender my resignation and leave the team.

'The Break'

When I tendered my resignation, I never had a backup plan. I did it because I was tired and I wanted to take a break from serving ridiculous people, and I wanted to spend time with my family and friends that I've missed out in a year. Being in the new outlet robbed a good chunk of my time and energy away from me. I was constantly feeling lethargic and I was cranky the whole time. I felt like I aged 10 years just by working in the outlet for a year.

Friends and families all advised me to at least secure a placing in another job before I leave, but my body was worn out and I don't think I can withstand that level of tiredness I'm feeling everyday. Therefore, I became unemployed for a few months. I did try to send out résumés, so much that I submitted at least 200 applications! Out of the 200 applications, I only got a total of... Five replies. I was honestly devastated and getting desperate that I wasn't getting any luck on my job hunt that I was on the verge of just applying for any job – even if I hated them. Thankfully, three months into my break, I finally found a job. So I am finally not unemployed anymore! *Crossing fingers that I'll adapt well into the new environment!*

I'm only starting my new job in 2019 so I am still on my 5-month long break. This break has been wonderful – I caught up on the sleep that I've been lacking, get to spend more time with my family, friends, dog and also went on quite a few holidays! I've become such a laze and my body clock is completely screwed, I hope that I won't be late on my first day at work. I can count the number of days I have left till my first day of work at my new job with my two hands now...

'The Change'

I call this year the change as well because things are drastically changing and new beginnings will be happening really soon. The boyfriend and I applied for a house and much to our surprise, we got it on our first try. We weren't expecting to be this lucky, and what's even luckier was that we managed to select the very unit that we wanted which was the highest floor with the best view in our BTO project. Although the project is going to take quite some time to be completed and we won't be getting our house so soon, we still got to make plans and start saving up... I'm starting to finally feel the pressure of being an adult and can I just say that it sucks? As much as I love to have fun and stay out late, responsibilities of being an adult forces me to always think twice on the things I do now. I know that there are people out there that can have fun and still juggle all their responsibilities well, but I can't. I'm envious, and I wished that I should have enjoyed my youth more when I had my chances.

Growing up is no fun. Although I did had my fair share of fun times but I wished I did things that I was able to do, but I did not just because I was busy feeling sad. I was too focused on building a relationship instead of enjoying my youth and that is my biggest regret so far. But well, this is how life is and I should suck it up. Life has got no time for whining, so I just got to move along and hope that 2019 will be better than any other year!

See you back in this space next year.

xx